This is my first True Confessions blog, so we will see where it takes us....
Truth is, I have no idea what to say. I don't know what people want to read, or are willing to read, and I HATE sounding whiny. Asking for help or admitting that I might need a hand up is one of the hardest things I am trying to teach myself. This last weekend I got a hard lesson when I had an emotional freak-out on my boyfriend. I was feeling... unimportant. We live 5 hours apart, so our primary mode of communication is the phone, and last week we didn't spend more than an hour TOTAL on the phone all week. Combine this with an enormous amount of stress caused by school and not sleeping well... I was primed for a total meltdown. Tears and frustration flooded out of me Friday night on the phone... "I've had this crazy, terrible week and you have been totally M.I.A... It feels like I'm at the bottom of your list in terms of priority, and I really needed you to be there for me this week and.... nothing." Here's the thing, he had no idea. He had no idea that I was having such a terrible week or that I wasn't sleeping well. And I can't totally blame him... because I wasn't telling him. I didn't want to spend (precious) time on the phone complaining how I have been waking up ever 2 hours, or that I am so completely stressed out over school that I nearly burst into tears and hugged a professor when he told me he would add me to an already over filled class. I still haven't told him that I am totally stressed out about money, or that I dread going home to my current living situation.. Every. Single. Day. In my mind there is nothing he can do for me about these things, so why whine? But the truth is, its not whining, its sharing my struggles. And if I don't share these struggles with him (or friends, my mom, other family) then they don't know that I'm in need of support. Support can come in so many different forms... for me, often what I need most is a hug. Someone to tell me that it is temporary and that I will do what I have to do and make it through. Why is it so hard to ask for that?
Saturday morning T surprised me with a visit while I was visiting family that live about halfway between us. He wasn't even out of his truck before I was crawling up into his lap, giving him a huge hug with tears running down my face. It was such an amazing pay off for letting myself open up to him the night before. Does that mean I will keep my guard down and stop putting up the front like I've got everything together? Probably not, but its a good lesson that I should do it more often. :)
I don't know if others struggle with this as much as I do. I'd imagine that I'm not alone here, but I'd love to hear... How do you ask for help?