Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Honest True Confessions

I've been down in the dumps the past few days.  I'm stressed out over school and money, but I know that isn't all of it.

Truth is I'm starting to feel like I'm back in diet-mode again, and I'm not liking it.  For me diet-mode is not a happy mode.  Its a when I begin to label foods as "good" or "bad" and when I eat the "bad" foods I inevitably begin to view myself as "bad" too.  In the past week (or 2, or 3, or whatever) I've been more critical of me.  I look in the mirror and see only the things I don't like.  I'm picking out the flaws and ignoring the rest.  And then mentally beating myself up for doing things that might change these flaws.

Ugh I have such unattractive legs, they wouldn't be so unattractive if I hadn't eaten X, Y, or Z

See it really doesn't matter what X, Y, or Z is... Last week in my 3 tri sports I covered over 75 miles in just shy of 10 hours over 9 workouts.  I never had an out of control binge moment with food.  Did I eat "less than healthy" foods, yes.  I had potato chips and crackers, I even had 2 sodas!  But I also burned over 6,000 calories!  The logical part of my brain recognizes that I am not a slob, or a glutton, or whatever other terrible adjective I sometimes tell myself I am.  I am not lazy.  It is OK my eating isn't always perfect.  But this is all the logical part of my brain. 

The irrational, emotional, insecure part is making me miserable.

And something has gotta give, because I don't like feeling this way.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do next, I might stop counting calories and focusing on getting in a certain fruit/veggie amount each day and call the rest good.  There is a part of me that wants to wait until after stepping on the scale tomorrow morning before I decide.  Which probably also isn't the best attitude either.  But I will wait for tomorrow, good or bad the scale will read what it reads.  In the meantime I'll do some thinking and decide what is best for me.



Brooke said...

i very much struggle with the same thing. whatever you decide to do i'll be there to try to help you and hold you accountable!

Kirsten said...

I'm going to preface what I say with I don't own a scale and I've never fought with the numbers on a scale. I've only judged myself by the way my clothes fit. And right now? My thighs are bigger than ever - because of muscle.

If counting calories is leaving you depressed, don't do it. Focus on the positives. You did 10 hours of exercise! That is amazing! But when you exercise that much your body needs good fuel. Having a treat isn't bad. It's when you eat the whole box of cookies at once. (don't look at me. I did *not* do that last week. Ahem.)

You are strong and beautiful. Remember that.

Bari said...

Listen to Brooke & Kirsten-they are very smart. You might want to check with Christie O too. She's done a lot of "research" about sports nutrition. I think what is important is thinking of food ad fuel. If you put crappy, cheap fuel in your tank, your engine won't run right. But, if you fill up on good fuel, you will run just fine.

Ashley said...

Thanks ladies, you all are right.

I am not calorie counting anymore. Its not worth it.

I will continue to weigh-in every week, because the number rarely gets me down, and its an easy way to keep track. I'm thinking I will do some measurements as a secondary gauge, only because how my clothes fit is dependent on how recently they were washed, if they were dried in the dryer or hung dry, etc.

Between my mom (who is a health nut) and my schooling I know what I should be eating, and I also know that nothing is bad in moderation, I just need to get back there. :)