Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Leaving it out there...

I think to say that I've been unfocused isn't quite right...  I simply haven't been myself the past couple days. 

Spring In2 Action

Today is Week 4 check-in for the Spring in2 Action challenge - we'll leave it at I've gained and I didn't get in all my workouts last week.  Do I feel guilty? Yes, a little.  But I also am trying to own the fact that I chose to be on vacation, which for me, meant letting go of some of my workouts.  That is ok.  Right? 

So why am I (as T so aptly put it this morning in an email) "depressed Ashley?"  The honest answer is that I'm not entirely sure.

Here is what I do know:
  • School is getting stressful.  I've got looming practical finals coming up that will require me to remember long intricate processes all done in front of my professor.  I'm nervous and its wearing on me.
  • T and I live 5 hours apart.  I do a lot of driving.  Every long drive literally reminds me of how far it is.  And I'm pretty sick of it.  Will it change anytime soon? Nope.  So I really need to stop dwelling on it.  It is what it is for now.
  • The weather until 2 days ago has SUCKED, and I am sick of winter.  Do I want it to be 100* yet? Not at all, but I'm sick of the rain, sick of highs in the 50s, sick of no sunshine.  Today is was almost 80* and it was glorious...
Our glorious weather lead to a mid-day run for me.  Normally I don't like to run mid-day, but I was willing to make the exception today and honestly my mood and emotional state needed it.

--
 I just bought new running shorts from our Nike outlet.  One problem with most shorts (running or otherwise) is that my thighs rub together and so they ride up.  This is annoying and uncomfortable.  The shorts I bought at Nike are tight.  They aren't spandex terrible tight, but they are tight, let me clarify, they are supposed to be tight.  Bonus though, they don't ride up, which is what I was thinking when I bought them.
 So when I got home from school and made the executive decision that I was going for a run I slipped on my new running shorts and an older lulu lemon top that I have.  I knew it would be hot so I was trying to minimize my discomfort.  I should have known better, what with the internal dialogue going on in my head recently, but I caught a peek of myself in the mirror before heading out the door.
-You're going to wear those?
-Gross ugly legs.
-Apparently its let your worst flaws fly in public day today?
Yeah, my internal dialogue didn't get any nicer with that glimpse.  In one swoop I didn't want to run anymore, I didn't want to wear these shorts anymore, I just wanted to stay inside and pout.  Productive.  Even before this moment I didn't really have a plan for this run so I went out the door with only the promise that I would do 2 miles.  That's all I was going to force.
I ran down our street and down another (whew, no cars yet, no one has seen me!).  I had to stop at one of the busiest intersections within a mile of my house to wait for the light, and I hated every moment of it (I just know everyone is looking and pointing and laughing at me and my stupid white, fat legs in these stupid tight short shorts, nice choice, Ashley).  I crossed the street and went down to the bike trail where I had planned to run and made an agreement with myself. 

I am not the things I tell myself I am.  I am a runner (athlete, triathlete), even when I don't feel like it.  I am strong and I am somewhat beautiful.  And I will run until I begin to believe at least some of this. 

So I ran.  I wasn't running to punish myself for thinking these negative thoughts.  I was running to prove the positive ones.  1 mile.  2 mile.  I decided just before the 3 mile mark that I'd make today's run an impromptu 10k.  It was not my prettiest run.  I never got my runners high, I never felt like I was running like the wind.  But I finish my 10k in 57:24.  I left the self-conscience-ness about these new shorts and my legs on the bike trail (doesn't mean they won't find their way home, but for now they are enjoying their time on the river).  And when I got home I felt like a runner, with proud runner's legs.

  I may not look like Kara Goucher but I do look like Ashley, which is who I need to come to terms with.  And today, after my run, I was pretty happy with what I was seeing in the mirror which is a step in the right direction.  :)

--
I want to give a giant shot-out to Christie O. at averagemomswearcapes.com and her There Is No Spoon post from Monday.  It was a good reminder that our own mind is often our biggest limiter.  Thanks for the reminder.  :)

4 comments:

Beth said...

Ash I'm so proud of you. This blog post is really inspirational and..... Lovely. You amaze me.

Kirsten said...

I'm glad you went for the run and you rocked the tight shorts (because you look fab in them!). You are a strong, smart lady and sometimes you'll get down on yourself. You just have to remember all the things that your body does for you. All the things that you are *doing* with that body and mind and heart and soul. Looking forward to meeting you in a month!!

Brooke said...

i have the same shorts problem. i hate shorts.

also? you look incredible. i would kill for those legs. seriously. so just be glad i'm on this side of the country.

Bari said...

Ditto what everyone else said. I so understand the "everyone is looking at me" mindset, but I've decided I need to get that out of my head or I will never be happy.

You look great and you had a phenomenal time (IMO-for real, I'd kill for a 57 min 10k).