Thursday, June 28, 2012

I love to know WHY...

I am not totally myself.

Recently I’ve been feeling off. A little sideways. Restless yet overwhelmed. Stir-crazy but seeking stability.

Change is in the air.

I couldn’t tell you what change is coming, but I feel it bubbling up inside me as much as feel like the world around me is also shifting. Uncertainty is an uncomfortable place for this self-proclaimed control freak. I like to know where I’m going and why things are what they are. The why is especially important to me.


Why do people do what they do?

Why do personal relationships play out the way they do? Both plutonic and romantic.

Why do I do the things I do?

Why do I continue to want to know why when I *know* there is no real answer to the riddle sometimes.

For now I’m trying to just ride this crazy ride of life, see where it and its infinite possibilities take me. Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t do this “wait and see” thing gracefully.

I laugh

I cry

I get angry and frustrated

I get overwhelmed which makes me want to shut down – hide under a plush throw on the couch wasting hours watching Big Bang Theory, Criminal Minds, Girls, The Big C, or maybe a good chick-flick to bring the tears back to the surface.

I become the *definition* of a bundle of nerves when there is too much uncertainty in my life.

But I’m fairing ok. I’ve got hours of training every week to work off a good portion of my anxiety. I’ve had good and bad workouts over the past couple weeks, all of which is par for the course. I know every time I lace up my running shoes, clip into my pedals, or pull on my swim suit I am not guaranteed the endorphin induced high after. Sometimes it’s only about putting the time, miles, or laps in, and taking what I can from the experience.

Sometimes the lesson is acknowledging when to fold – like I found on the bike last week.

Sometimes the lesson is finding how much harder/faster you can go – like I found in the pool this week.

In the end, training, while maybe adding to the here-there-everywhere of my life, helps keep me sane. Helps keep me right-side-up.

I’m feeling more fit than I ever have before.

I’ve got my eye set on some time goals for Vineman 70.3 in 17 days and the training isn’t over yet.

And I’m already talking to Coach about goals for 2013.

So life may do and change as it may. I’m gonna keep training.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

For the love of running...

Hurrah for National Running Day!

But really, every day is a running day for me. Or I wish it were. I wish I could log limitless miles on my feet and enjoy the sounds of my breath in my lungs without pain or injury.

Sadly this isn’t how it always works out. I experience pain… ITBS, plantar fasciitis. And those random aches and pains one can get that have no name.

But I *LOVE* running. I really do.

I love my memories of running with my mom just after high school, she was chasing the sub-1:00 10k then.

I loved running cross country in high school to get ready for soccer season. Even then it wasn’t the punishment for my sport of choice. Cross country was tough, but fun, and the teammates and coaches I shared that time with were awesome.

I love taking my dog for a run in the fields near my house and letting her run off leash while I run. Her obvious joy reflects the joy I often feel running. She leaps, bounds, darts, and sprints after whatever she thinks she sees moving and loves every moment of it. She is always up for a run.

I’ve had one boyfriend who I really shared running with. I ran further and Matt ran faster. I’d lead a run out and he’d lead us back. After we had gone our separate ways, I found out he had passed away, and I went for a run, for us, for him, in his memory. I still feel like he pushes me to finish strong. Sometimes I feel like he is in the wind, and hear him pushing me to my limits. I hear him daring me to keep up with the wind.

I love those running moments.

Now running is just one of the 3 sports I regularly train for. But it’s still my first love.

When it comes down to it, National Running Day or not, find something active to do, more days that not, that you love. If you don’t love it, you won’t do it when the going gets tough.

For me, it’s running…

But it might not be the same for you. You just need to move.