Thursday, June 28, 2012

I love to know WHY...

I am not totally myself.


Recently I’ve been feeling off. A little sideways. Restless yet overwhelmed. Stir-crazy but seeking stability.

Change is in the air.

I couldn’t tell you what change is coming, but I feel it bubbling up inside me as much as feel like the world around me is also shifting. Uncertainty is an uncomfortable place for this self-proclaimed control freak. I like to know where I’m going and why things are what they are. The why is especially important to me.

Why?

Why do people do what they do?

Why do personal relationships play out the way they do? Both plutonic and romantic.

Why do I do the things I do?

Why do I continue to want to know why when I *know* there is no real answer to the riddle sometimes.

For now I’m trying to just ride this crazy ride of life, see where it and its infinite possibilities take me. Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t do this “wait and see” thing gracefully.

I laugh

I cry

I get angry and frustrated

I get overwhelmed which makes me want to shut down – hide under a plush throw on the couch wasting hours watching Big Bang Theory, Criminal Minds, Girls, The Big C, or maybe a good chick-flick to bring the tears back to the surface.

I become the *definition* of a bundle of nerves when there is too much uncertainty in my life.

But I’m fairing ok. I’ve got hours of training every week to work off a good portion of my anxiety. I’ve had good and bad workouts over the past couple weeks, all of which is par for the course. I know every time I lace up my running shoes, clip into my pedals, or pull on my swim suit I am not guaranteed the endorphin induced high after. Sometimes it’s only about putting the time, miles, or laps in, and taking what I can from the experience.

Sometimes the lesson is acknowledging when to fold – like I found on the bike last week.

Sometimes the lesson is finding how much harder/faster you can go – like I found in the pool this week.

In the end, training, while maybe adding to the here-there-everywhere of my life, helps keep me sane. Helps keep me right-side-up.

I’m feeling more fit than I ever have before.

I’ve got my eye set on some time goals for Vineman 70.3 in 17 days and the training isn’t over yet.

And I’m already talking to Coach about goals for 2013.

So life may do and change as it may. I’m gonna keep training.

3 comments:

Bari said...

((hugs)) Love you girl. Sometimes we can't really know "why". Be thankful you have your training as that outlet for when you feel off.

Kick some Vineman Ass while you're at it :)

Brooke said...

{{{{{big hugs}}}}}

i've been feeling much the same lately. you're more on top of this kinda thing than me, but i was just reading this morning how dehydration can cause anxiety. sounds silly, especially given how awful anxiety can make you feel, but its something worth thinking about and making sure you are drinking enough water

Maria (maslife) said...

You are going to rock Vineman and I'll be cheering you on from the West Coast :)

Change is a constant - some for the good, some not. Either way, we've got to roll with it and keep on going. Like we do :)